By Quinn Cummings, Certified Family Life Educator (CFLE-P), founder of Reading To Connect and creator of The ENGAGE Method®
You can practice empathy with your child in ordinary moments: hear a different preference, ask what would help, share an experience, or consider someone in a story. Start with one activity when you both have room for it. You do not need a worksheet or a child who always knows the right thing to say.
For something to try today, let your child choose between two activities you can genuinely offer. Listen to their choice, share yours, and notice where they differ. You might both enjoy being together and still want different things from the afternoon.
Make room for an answer you did not expect
Empathy involves trying to understand another person’s experience. Asking is part of that. So is accepting a correction.
If you say, “That looked disappointing,” and your child says, “I wasn’t disappointed. I was mad,” try, “Thanks for telling me.” You do not have to defend your first guess.
Understood’s expert-reviewed guidance includes adult modeling and practice during calmer moments. The activities below are suggestions for family life. Choose one that fits; they are not a test of how caring your child is.
Activity 1 Hear two different preferences
Choose a small decision with room for both people to speak. Perhaps you are deciding what music to play while you tidy up.
Ask what your child would choose and offer your preference too. If you like different things, say so without making either choice a problem: “You want the loud song. I want something quieter right now.”
Then decide what is possible. You could take turns choosing, lower the volume, or save music for another time. Understanding the preference does not require saying yes to every request.
With a younger child, keep the choices concrete and let them point. With an older child, invite an option you did not suggest. Ask only if you are willing to consider it.
If they reject your idea, you can still hear them. “You really don’t want that song” leaves room to work out the decision without requiring shared taste.
Activity 2 Ask before helping
Pick an ordinary moment when help is welcome and there is no immediate danger. Maybe someone is gathering materials for a project or trying to carry several things.
Model a specific offer: “Would you like me to hold the bag?” Then follow the answer.
Later, if your child wants to practice, let them offer help with something you are doing. Give an honest response. “Yes, please hold this corner” is useful. So is, “I have this part, but you could clear a space beside me.”
For a younger child, name one possible job. An older child can ask what would be useful before proposing a solution.
If the person says no, help your child respect it. An offer can be thoughtful even when it is declined. Avoid making gratitude or acceptance the price of being offered help.
Activity 3 Share an experience and let your child respond
Tell your child about a small, true experience they may not know: a time you were new somewhere, misunderstood a friend, or appreciated someone’s help. Choose something you can share without asking your child to comfort you or settle an adult problem.
Keep the story short enough to leave them room. They may ask about a detail you barely noticed. They may disagree with what you did. Let that response tell you something about their perspective.
With a younger child, one event and a few sentences may be enough. An older child might want to hear more about the decision you made. Neither owes you an explanation of what the story taught them.
If you find yourself ending with “And that’s why you should…,” consider stopping before that sentence. You can let your child know you without turning your experience into an instruction.
Activity 4 Read a story with The ENGAGE Method
A story gives you people and situations to consider together. Choose one your child wants to hear. You do not have to select a book about a recent disagreement.
One possibility is Each Kindness, written by Jacqueline Woodson and illustrated by E. B. Lewis. Chloe and her friends repeatedly reject Maya. After Maya stops coming to school, Chloe is left thinking about the kindness she did not offer. The publisher lists ages 5–8. Its unresolved ending may invite reflection, but it can also feel painful. Preview it and choose around your child.
Apply, a phase of The ENGAGE Method®, gives the caregiver a way to participate. Let the book bring forward a memory, value, or tradition you genuinely want to share.
For example, if the story reminds you of being welcomed somewhere, begin, “I remember someone making room for me when…” Complete it with your own memory. Share the part you remember, without requiring your child to identify a matching experience.
Your child may listen, ask, or want to return to the book. If they offer a different interpretation, stay curious about it. If they describe real harm, pause the reading and attend to what they are telling you.
For help finding ways into a book together, explore ENGAGE. The free guide to questions about a book also offers invitations you can use when you actually want to hear the answer.
Keep empathy separate from compliance
Your child can understand that someone wants a hug and still decline it. They can recognize another child’s disappointment without agreeing to give away something important to them.
You might say, “They wanted you to play, and you wanted a break. You can say you’re taking a break without making fun of them.”
If your child has caused harm, respond to the action. Help stop it and consider an appropriate repair. A convincing speech about feelings is not the same as changing what happened.
Likewise, do not ask a child who has been hurt to demonstrate empathy by forgiving, offering affection, or becoming friends. Adults still need to address the harm.
Let participation look different
A child may express care through a practical action, a brief message, a question, or their usual communication tools. Do not use eye contact or a long spoken answer as your measure.
For a bilingual family, use the language that gives each person the most room to express themselves. If an activity starts to feel like a performance, leave it. There will be other ordinary moments.
Start with one small opportunity: ask what someone would like, listen, and let the answer affect what you do next.
